Mariella Frostrup tells a woman to look seriously at what she hopes to achieve by pursuing ‘the truth’ about her conception
The dilemma I was given up for adoption as a baby. I’m in my 50s now. I’ve never met my mother but, with the help of the adoption agency that forwarded my letters, she claimed that although they were in a relationship, my father raped her. I’ve been searching for him since my early 20s and had asked my mother for more information to find him. She refused. Last year I found him. We are now in regular contact. I haven’t told him that my mother said he raped her and then became pregnant. He is in his 80s and fragile. I worry what it would do to him. I think it’s a lie. He tells me how much they loved each other and he doesn’t understand why she broke off the relationship. I find it hard to live with her accusation and she refuses to have anything to do with me. She has done so much damage in her dealing with the whole matter, and this huge accusation. Is there anything I can do?
Mariella replies Give her the benefit of the doubt? She may not appear to merit sympathy or understanding and she certainly hasn’t shown either in her dealings with you based on your longer description. Nevertheless, I’d caution you not to dismiss her story out of hand. I appreciate the matter has been handled clumsily and you must hurt deeply. It’s worth remembering that putting your baby up for adoption is far from the easy option. There’s every reason to assume it was an agonising time for her and, perhaps, your father, too.
You have a lot of emotional damage to work through
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