It’s been an intimate twosome until the arrival of your new husband, says Mariella Frostrup. Find time to hang out with her
The dilemma My relationship with my 19-year-old daughter is at breaking point and I’m afraid I’m going to lose her. I raised her alone (her father was an alcoholic) and from day one was determined we’d be close. She confides in me and I make sure I’m always there for her. In February I got married. It’s been an adjustment, but my husband and I are settling into life together well. He’s clear it’s not necessary for him to “parent” my daughter and we’re both happy with that. She went to university last year, but became anxious and depressed, and dropped out. She never attended the counselling sessions we signed up for when she returned. She’s now working in an office job which she doesn’t enjoy. Her room is a mess, she doesn’t do any washing and the only time she “comes to life” is when she’s out drinking with friends. Otherwise she sits in her darkened room watching television. I worry she’s depressed. I’ve told myself to be her “rock” while she adjusts to my husband being here, but it’s increasingly difficult because she’s pushing me, becoming quite vile at times. We’ve arranged private counselling, but it hasn’t started yet. Our ability to communicate calmly has virtually gone.
Mariella replies I feel for you. Your daughter is clearly going through a difficult patch and that’s hard to witness, let alone negotiate. It’s imperative children find their own feet in the world and I’m becoming increasing convinced the new world order leaves them less and less space to do so. There are financial imperatives compelling youngsters to delay fleeing their feathered nests, but we’re also struggling to instil the basic skills to withstand the outside world.
Stop being her ‘rock’ and let her find her own solid ground
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