A woman whose teenage stepdaughter is becoming increasingly wayward is fed up with being forced to play the wicked stepmother. Mariella Frostrup says it's time to take a step back
The dilemma My stepdaughter is nearly 16. I've been with her father since she was two and she's lived with us since she was 10. She's in her GCSE year at school but sneaks out most nights to get stoned. I've found bongs in her bedroom and have asked her to speak to the drugs liaison officer with me about that and her drinking, but she refuses. She also refuses to go to school, engage with her studies or quit smoking. Her parents have always been softer on her than I am with my own two (younger) children and that makes me angry.
To add insult to injury I, along with her father, have been fined for her non-attendance at school. It seems that because my stepdaughter lives with me those looking in from the outside believe I have a duty to impose sanctions and manage her behaviour. I believe I have the right to decide how my children are brought up but should respect my stepdaughter's mum's wishes for her. In my stepdaughter's eyes it has nothing to do with me. So do I play the "wicked stepmother" or should I sit back and leave it up to her parents? And is there any way my stepdaughter and I can come out of this situation without damaging our relationship forever?
Mariella replies Most definitely, and sitting back might be just the ticket. But hang on a minute: why are you doing all the legwork here? I'm mystified by the absence of her father in these lines and wonder if that's a clue to the real source of your frustrations. Either you are taking far too much on your own shoulders or you are having too much dumped on them. This girl is living in your household and is part of the family. I'd argue that means she lives under the same rules as her siblings, not least because otherwise she'll forever feel like an outsider. However, I'm presuming your domestic life is not run as a dictatorship and so her father should be playing an active role. That would not seem to be the case at present.
Perhaps, like many separated parents, he's afraid of confrontation with his child? Indulging kids in an attempt to compensate for break-ups and soliciting their affection to compete with an estranged partner is a behavioural pattern all too common post-divorce. They're understandable impulses but confusing for the supposed beneficiary who discovers how to manipulate adults to get what they want short-term, but learn few useful behavioural boundaries in the process. It's an unfortunate scenario that makes the job of any stepparent particularly challenging.
Stepmothers get a bad press anyway. From Snow White to Hansel and Gretel we all know what to expect when a man remarries. Centuries of propaganda set the scene, but you could argue that this caricaturing of women is also a tribute to men's talent for disengagement. If there's an emotional hotspot on the horizon most guys will try to dodge it, while my own sex have a tendency to aim for the epicentre. There may be a lesson for us to learn from this male skill for sidestepping emotional minefields, however annoying we find it when we are the victims.
Self-control, magnanimity, maturity and constancy are the virtues best employed to help mitigate the impact of adult choices on children's lives. These aren't qualities that flourish in the aftermath of a relationship breakdown. In separation, despite its increasing probability in contemporary relationships, anger, revenge, hurt and recrimination rule the day. As we witnessed recently with Chris Huhne and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce, the fallout of a bad split makes mugs of intelligent human beings and poisons innocents caught in their wake. Much of what you are living through now with your stepdaughter is the legacy of events that took place when she was in nappies.
Whatever the cause, you do come across as angry and resentful toward this child. Developing an ability to step back from those emotional impulses will serve you far better in the end. It's not your role to wade in and dictate to this troubled young girl, but it's essential you are a respected voice in any discussion. Dragging her off to the school drugs officer may be where you end up, but I'm not convinced it's where to start.
Try creating a united front with the other two adults responsible for her parenting. Coalitions may be out of favour, but in this case all three adults in her life need to work together to steer this impressionable girl from disaster.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to guardian.co.uk/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1