An Oxford student thinks his girlfriend's views on gay marriage are down to her working-class roots. Don't be such a snob, says Mariella Frostrup
The dilemma I've just started dating a girl at university. After the gay marriage bill went through, she revealed that she was against it. As a man with many gay friends, including members of my family, am I obliged to end the relationship? Her argument goes something along the lines of: "I'm not homophobic, but I don't think we should change an institution artificially and unnecessarily", then some other ridiculous propaganda. I don't feel she's a bad person, but perhaps misinformed due to her background. She is working class but, equally, is studying at Oxford.
Mariella replies Goodness me, working class, eh? And at Oxford! What is the world coming to? If we continue to encourage plebeians through the quadrant door this sort of rumpus will be unavoidable. Perhaps you should campaign for the doubling of tuition fees. Then you won't have to take responsibility for extracurricular social experiments along with your normal studies.
Raised among the underclass, she's bound to hold opinions that you and your friends will find offensive, but with exposure to the classics, and with a dazzling array of cutlery at every college meal to focus on, she should come round. It would be a miracle if she were immediately at home in such an alien environment, brimful of the liberal, benign and tolerant views that your social class naturally espouses. She probably thinks foreigners should be thrown out, too, which could cause problems if any of those Oxford-loving, democracy-eschewing Arabian princes are in your peer group.
She must be supermodel gorgeous to have you lavishing your broadminded, public-school-funded intellectual magnanimity on her. Whatever your attraction, I'm not sure that divergent beliefs in a relationship are grounds for separation. Labour-supporting Sally Bercow and her husband John, a Conservative and Speaker in parliament, are an example of how philosophical opposites can romantically unite. One-time poster couple for movie-star activism Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, on the other hand, found that spouses who campaign together don't necessarily stay together.
Once the first flush of romance is past, having topics you can argue about without getting personal is actually a blessing. It's far less corrosive to rant at a partner for their support of fox hunting than zoom in on their bathroom habits. You and this girl can chew the fat on gay marriage into your twilight years while maintaining a perfectly acceptable romantic liaison. There's no party whip when it comes to dating.
Some of the happiest couples I know hold utterly divergent positions on many matters. As a supporter of equal rights for all, I sympathise with your misgivings about your girlfriend's attitude to gay marriage, but I'm far more concerned about your attitude to her working-class roots. You do appear to be under the illusion that because she wasn't born to a family of privilege and traceable Norman lineage, prejudice is to be expected. How about you accept her position on this topic as a valid intellectual argument, no matter how disagreeable, instead of patronising her as the misguided product of her working-class roots? Otherwise that's snobbery with a hefty dose of misogyny thrown in for good measure.
Intolerance is not the preserve of any particular social class and, if I wasn't in a good mood, I might argue, is far more often the position of those who fancy that they occupy a moral or social higher ground.
Among the many things you'll hopefully learn at your world class, £5K-plus a term university is that racism, homophobia, misogyny and all those other commonly held prejudices know no borders, be they geographical or financial.
You both sound like you need to do some living, high and low – a diversion which over decades will evolve from the black and white of absolute conviction to the understanding that we are a complicated, illogical and unpredictable species, capable of huge intelligence and immense stupidity.
If money and education were a guarantee of understanding then we'd decree that the children of oligarchs should inherit the earth, but there's no convincing proof that any kind of privilege leads to improved humanitarianism. Your girlfriend's convictions can no more be attributed to her social class than the last Pope's peccadillos could be blamed on his being Bavarian.
You and this girl may be perfectly matched or completely incompatible, but the contributing factor to hell or happiness won't be the level of luxury you were raised in. As TV icon Mrs Merton used to say with relish: "Let's have a heated debate!"
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to guardian.co.uk/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1