A woman, who is finding her homophobic father-in-law's views hard to take, wants to make a stand. But is boycotting church her best bet? Mariella Frostrup considers the options
The dilemma My husband was raised a Catholic, but rarely goes to church, apart from when we are with his parents. In the past, I attended services with them so as not to rock the boat, but in truth wasn't comfortable. I went to a Presbyterian church as a child. It had a large number of women reverends and several openly gay and lesbian reverends. Very recently my brother-in-law revealed he is gay. My father in-law has not taken this well. He has said there will be no more family get-togethers, even cancelling his wife's upcoming 70th birthday party, and has told his son he will die of Aids. We will be staying with my in-laws over Easter and they will go to church. I have told my husband I won't attend, but he says I should go out of respect for his parents. Do I stick to my guns by not attending? Or should I just attend, given it is only one hour of the year?
Mariella replies You could go one step further and just not stay at all. The question is what are you trying to achieve? Is it a protest, an act of rebellion, or a declaration of your religious views? Or is it simply a way to irritate your father-in-law and covertly attack your husband? Your email leaves an awful lot of room for speculation.
Though you insinuate that your brother-in-law's coming out is the catalyst, I suspect it's the final straw for you in an ongoing war of attrition, the roots of which I'm not privy to.
I read your description of your childhood church with interest – a veritable orgy of women reverends and God-fearing members of the gay community of both sexes. Brought up as I was in Catholic Ireland it sounds more like a groovy Halloween than a gathering of ministers of the cloth.
Thankfully times have moved on and, who knows, in another century or so the church may accept women as equals, but let's not rush those old cardinals, they're not in their prime, as the Pope's resignation highlighted.
I agree there's room for enormous improvement in the Catholic church and its steadfast refusal to accept women, contraception, homosexuality or any aspect of 21st-century reality will obviously be the death of it. When the Pope retires at the end of this month we can only hope it's another completely unlike him that the cardinals anoint. Forward-thinking, woman-loving, gay-accepting… it hardly seems an unreasonable wish list for modern times.
But what do you care? Is it this ancient, obstinate and increasingly moribund institution you are picking a fight with, or your in-laws? When we feel powerless we'll do almost anything to attract the attention of our audience. Just look at the continuing volunteers for I'm a Celebrity. I'm reminded of the film Network in which Peter Finch plays a TV anchor in career freefall who takes to screaming at anyone who will listen: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more," while Michael Douglas is similarly tipped over the edge in Falling Down, playing an average executive until a traffic jam triggers a violent meltdown.
I'm not saying you are on the verge of running riot, but you may want to look more closely at what's causing your resentment. Perhaps refusing to attend is an opportunity to kickstart the argument, though making it all about church attendance seems to miss the point.
It's noble of you to take on the battle of conscience your brother-in-law's coming out has precipitated but re-educating your in-laws would be nothing short of a miracle. Speaking out about the issues that animate you is essential but also far more powerful if approached tactically. Is this the way you're going to change your father-in-law's mind, by refusing to attend his church, or just bring the currently suppressed animosity between you to the fore?
You mention your husband as though he's a bit-player in this family drama. He's in a far better position to argue his sibling's case with his bigoted father yet he warrants barely a mention in your account.
Tagging along to church isn't compulsory when you sign up for a life together and you must act as your conscience dictates: just make sure of your motives first. There are a very few heroes in this world and the rest of us simply drift along, wearing our conscience on our sleeve like an incongruous accessory. Perhaps you are set on taking a stand, in which case I applaud your initiative. Whatever your reasoning, by refusing to go you'll definitely get a reaction; I just hope it's the one you're after!
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1