A woman, who devotes herself to her boyfriends, ends up feeling anger, even hate, towards them. Mariella Frostrup says she needs to put herself in her partners shoes
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk
The dilemma Over the past 14 years my relationships have all had the same pattern. I meet a man and fall in love. Things start off on equal terms. Im usually so in love that I do amazing things for the man and it brings me a lot of joy to be referred to as the best girlfriend in the world. The problem is that after the initial romance I end up feeling like I do everything in the relationship. I begin to feel worthless and taken for granted, and start to resent him to the point where I feel anger, even hate. I then begin to withdraw and, later, leave. I know that it is my fault, since I train the men to do nothing while I cater to them in the beginning. Addressing this problem with my previous partners has never worked. Now, I have a wonderful boyfriend, but sadly, the phase of resentment has started again. How can I break out of this pattern?
Mariella replies It sounds totally normal to me. Thousands of years of habit forming have gone into creating the dynamic youre addressing, so how can one poor agony aunt be expected to alter the course of history? Its sobering to hear that its still services rendered that earn you the tag of worlds best girlfriend. The very qualities that would make a woman run a mile being fussed over and excessively indulged by a pathetically subservient partner are still appetising menu items for men, it seems.
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