A young woman who broke up with her boyfriend over his porn addiction feels insecure. Mariella Frostrup tells her to pat herself on the back, as porn is poisoning our culture
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I am 17 years old and I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because I noticed on his laptop that he looked up a lot of porn. He told me he was addicted to it. This broke my heart. It made me feel like I was being cheated on because he was looking at all the other girls on the porn sites and getting turned on by them. When I broke up with him for this, he acted like he didnt care, and now I feel very insecure. Do you have any advice?

A woman, who devotes herself to her boyfriends, ends up feeling anger, even hate, towards them. Mariella Frostrup says she needs to put herself in her partners shoes
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma Over the past 14 years my relationships have all had the same pattern. I meet a man and fall in love. Things start off on equal terms. Im usually so in love that I do amazing things for the man and it brings me a lot of joy to be referred to as the best girlfriend in the world. The problem is that after the initial romance I end up feeling like I do everything in the relationship. I begin to feel worthless and taken for granted, and start to resent him to the point where I feel anger, even hate. I then begin to withdraw and, later, leave. I know that it is my fault, since I train the men to do nothing while I cater to them in the beginning. Addressing this problem with my previous partners has never worked. Now, I have a wonderful boyfriend, but sadly, the phase of resentment has started again. How can I break out of this pattern?

Mariella replies It sounds totally normal to me. Thousands of years of habit forming have gone into creating the dynamic youre addressing, so how can one poor agony aunt be expected to alter the course of history? Its sobering to hear that its still services rendered that earn you the tag of worlds best girlfriend. The very qualities that would make a woman run a mile being fussed over and excessively indulged by a pathetically subservient partner are still appetising menu items for men, it seems.

The dilemma After being married for seven years, my husband left me and our two children to begin a relationship with my best friend. Now that Im alone, I find it hard to cope with everyday life. Ive never had many good friends since, foolishly, my relationship and family life always made me completely happy. Now that my former best friend is in a relationship with my soon-to-be ex-husband, Ive lost the person I wanted to share my life with. Looking after my children entirely on my own is very exhausting and sometimes I find myself letting out my frustration on them, which is the last thing I want to do. Now they dont have a father they need my attention even more, but this means I cant find time for myself. Since I dont have anybody to look after my children, I cant go out to find new friends. It seems to be a vicious cycle. Can you help me to break it?

Mariella replies I certainly hope so. Your letter is transmitting a rage alert and Im not surprised. To be abandoned by your husband is bad news; to be abandoned by your best friend a calamity.

The dilemma I have recently become incredibly jealous of my best friend, to the point where Im finding it hard to be around her. I feel terrible about it. We both started dating new men around the same time last year, but while her relationship has become serious enough for her to move in with her boyfriend, mine ended a few months ago. I think my jealousy is made worse by the fact that I recently moved to a new city and dont have many friends here. Ive found it hard to meet people as I have little free time because Im studying for a postgraduate qualification. I know that none of this is my friends fault, and that I am being irrational and unfair, but I cant help feeling like she has everything I want.

Mariella replies Au contraire! You can help feeling and revert to rational thought, especially when youre as clear as you are about how misplaced your jealousy is. The pleasure of being an agony aunt is that the more mistakes you make the better equipped you are to see a clearer path for others.

A 21-year-old is certain hes found the love of his life but fears a tragic ending. Mariella Frostrup says he must stop worshipping her and see her flaws
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma Im 21, male, and I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is my best friend, my soulmate, my equal and always a step ahead of me when it counts. Weve been intimate but took a step back after the feelings became too volatile. I know with absolute certainty that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. It is too early for either of us to commit though, neither of us is where we want to be financially or has a clear path to success that we could walk together right now. I think the best option would be to step away and focus on our respective lives for perhaps three months, maybe a year. After which we would decide if we were ready for something serious. My greatest fear is that one or both of us will find we dont fit into the others new life. I havent proposed this to her yet because I am so insecure about our future together. I have never wanted something this badly and I keep thinking of the ultimately tragic love of Jay Gatsby and the enchanting Daisy. 

Mariella replies Oh my, passions are running high! The Great Gatsby as a benchmark? Seriously? This poor girl has a lot to live up to. Soulmate, best friend, a step ahead what happens when she reveals herself to be less than perfect, found in naff slippers and ill-fitting pyjamas, stumbling along like the rest of us? Its difficult when youre young (and there are plenty of adults who continue to struggle) separating worship from attraction.

The dilemma I have a female colleague who has, over the past three years, told me she loves me and would like to marry me. The problem is that I do not love her and I have told her that. I used to be in a relationship with another girl, but we recently broke up. In April I was at a low point and my colleague visited me and we had sex, and now she is pregnant. The dilemma I have now is that she insists that I marry her because the child will need a father and a mother. However I cannot marry her because I do not love her. At the same time I do not want to lose my child. I also feel betrayed because I think she took advantage of my stresses and now she has leverage. I am not sure if I can forgive her for that. Please advise what I should do.

Mariella replies Leverage? Thats hardly the best way to describe an unborn child. No matter what the history behind your present conundrum, theres now a third persons wellbeing you need to add to the equation. This child youve created is not a bargaining chip but a human being. Remember that no matter how much both of your behaviour suggests flaws in the description, you are the adults here.

A mother is worried that her daughter sounds stupid and uneducated because she uses the word like all the time. Mariella Frostrup says its just the world she lives in
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma My adult daughter is clever, pretty and confident. However, she cannot stop saying like about six times in every sentence. She lives abroad and is currently freelancing so is not in an office environment. Our only contact is via Skype, and if we mention it she becomes annoyed and says she has been doing it for the past 15 years. I know it is not the end of the world, but it makes her sound stupid and uneducated, which she most definitely is not, and when she wants to return to the real world I worry this will be held against her.

Mariella replies The real world where is that exactly? We now inhabit a global village, and as with any community you cant escape the good or the bad. The onslaught of transworld communication gives individuals, societies and whole nations hitherto unimaginable contact with the outside world. Whether its youngsters united in a cause, citizens of repressive regimes or countries poor on infrastructure, theres no denying the internets ability to create a global fraternity and a new universe of opportunity. The price were paying seems increasingly to be the homogenisation of culture.

The dilemma My boyfriend strongly dislikes my family and I dont know what to do about it. He and I have been together for eight months now and Ive really fallen for him. We have a great relationship, but there is this recurring problem to do with our different backgrounds. I come from a fairly well-off family and were very close. Were not excessively wealthy, but we have been blessed with a comfortable upbringing. This is in stark contrast to my boyfriends family. They never had a lot of money, his parents went through an ugly divorce when he was growing up and now he doesnt have a good relationship with them. My parents live abroad so my boyfriend has only met them twice, but both times we have travelled to see them and then stayed for a while, so it has been pretty intense for him. Since then he has admitted he just doesnt like my parents. I love him and dont want to lose him. Im worried about how this could impact on our future.

Mariella replies Youre right to be concerned not that your boyfriend needs to enter into a lovefest with your parents for you to stick together. Hed be a rare find indeed were he to declare unadulterated delight in his in-laws. Youd probably need to check his alcohol levels or psychiatric history. The unfortunate truth is that most mature adults find their own parents annoying, let alone their partners. Liking and tolerating are two entirely separate sentiments.

A woman no longer interested in sex with her husband wonders how to rekindle the passion. Mariella Frostrup says it is monogamys greatest quandary

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I have been married for just over three years to my second husband. He is a kind and caring man, with no malice or underhand agenda (unlike my first husband). However, I have stopped finding him attractive. I care about him, I love him, but I dont feel remotely interested in being physical with him any more. It may be that turning 50 and the menopause have a part to play, but I feel switched off for good. He is patient with me, but I cant see how he can put up with it for much longer. It was good when we first met but isnt it always? I felt liberated by being with him but now there is nothing. We may have had sex three times in the past three years. I want to be switched back on to having a good all-round relationship but dont know how.

Mariella replies Ive been dreading this question. So high does interest run in this particular conundrum that if I had the answer Id be on the cover of Time magazine and choosing what to wear for my Nobel acceptance speech. Imagine the social revolution we could kickstart if we could ensure that the person wed chosen to pool romantic resources with, forsaking all others, still turned us into drooling, passion-crazed obsessives eager for physical union after 20 years together, or in your case three.

A woman who values her personal space is fed up with her boyfriend walking into and sometimes breaking into her room. Mariella Frostrup says there is only one way to go

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I have recently moved in with my boyfriend after being together for a year. We used to see each other two or three times a week. Now he seems to think we should spend every possible minute together. We live in a house share, so have our own bedrooms. I like to do yoga in my room, but he barges in when he feels like it, despite me asking him numerous times not to disturb me. When I get cross with him for interrupting, he bleats: But I just want to see you! So I started locking my door. He has now worked out how to break into my room using a credit card on the lock, and he lets himself in whenever I have the door closed. He has walked in on me waxing my bikini line, depilating my tache and pumicing my feet. Not activities I think anyone should witness. He is amused at my outrage. I just cant get it into his head that I need my own space occasionally and I cant cope much longer with his ridiculous neediness. I would like to move out, but I am nearly two months into a six-month contract and cant afford to.

Mariella replies Split up and stay put! The strongest feeling you seem to have for him is exasperation, so the relationship has little chance of survival anyway. Once you are no longer dating, breaking and entering will be a criminal act, and if he fails to refrain you can always get the police involved.

A man finds his wifes overreaction to the messiness of their teenage children frustrating. Mariella Frostrup says he needs to sort himself out first

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma My wife dearly loves our two teenage children but becomes hugely frustrated at their general untidiness. I have sympathy with them, as they are both improvements on me as a teenager, but my wife becomes very frustrated with my seeming lack of support. I find this extremely irritating as I do my best to provide a consistent front, although I sometimes refuse to do so when I think she is being absolutely unreasonable and creating an unnecessary row. It is clear that she has some really entrenched resentments towards me and I increasingly feel that I dont like her very much. I know that I compare poorly to her much-loved father, who provided unlimited support to her often unreasonable mother when he was alive, and I also realise that she is generally unhappy (demanding mother, challenging perimenopause, OCD tendencies, health worries). I dont know what to do, as I can only see our life together getting worse.

Mariella replies This definitely isnt about the kids. Youd struggle to find any parent who doesnt despair of their childrens messiness from time to time or indeed, more commonly, on a daily basis. Its a terrible trait in the younger generation that only escalates as the years accrue and must partly be natures way of ensuring were relieved to see the back of our little darlings instead of traumatised by their final departure from our devastated homes. In severe cases this lingers well into a childs 20s, as any mother who has turned up to visit her kid with a dustpan and brush will attest to.

A woman has no friends despite the fact that she is confident, active and leading a full and varied life

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma Im utterly friendless. I thought about writing this email a year ago but instead tried to get out and meet people. So I take regular gym classes, I do yoga and Ive just started sewing classes all hobbies that include social interaction. I chat to the people there, they chat back: its not like were all too in-the-zone to converse, despite the individual goals. Theres no reason Im so lonely Im a nice person (I think!). Im interested in others and ask questions and have opinions to share. When my boyfriend and I go out with one of his (several) groups of friends, I feel like a loser. That may be more a reflection of them putting me down to make themselves feel better, but even when I click with someone I eventually feel that way. Youll say Im projecting my insecurities, but Im well practised at keeping them under lock and key, and my emotional IQ is unnecessarily and uselessly high. Ive a healthy level of confidence, enough to gain and retain employment, start hobbies, enough for aspiration. Im doing everything I can, but no one wants to be my friend. Whats more pathetic than that?

Mariella replies Theres plenty thats more pathetic, I can assure you! What does loser in this context mean anyway? Its a ghastly word we bandy about with abandon, but as theres no tangible definition of winner (unless its the spin of the lottery wheel) it means very little.

The dilemma My mother, who was an alcoholic throughout my childhood, finally sobered up two years ago at the age of 57. I am thrilled for her and proud shes managed to do it. I am also angry with her. I wonder why she couldnt have sorted herself out earlier, when I needed her most. The damage she inflicted on me in the form of emotional and verbal abuse destroyed my self-confidence and took a long time for me to fix. She has recently asked if she can move in with me, as she has nowhere else to go. Im the only one of her three children who still speaks to her, so Im all she has. I love her and I dont know how to tell her that I dont want her in my house.

Mariella replies How about just the way you told me? There is nothing wrong with continuing to offer your mother emotional and practical support without taking her on as your flatmate.

A Muslim woman set to marry a Christian man worries about their different religions. Mariella Frostrup says it’s her family and partner who matter most

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I am a 30-year-old woman of Indian ethnicity. I am a doctor and living alone, away from my family. Two years ago I met a wonderful man and we now feel it’s time to tie the knot. I have never been particularly religious, but my family is Muslim – though quite liberal. My parents have yet to meet my boyfriend, but I am sure they will love him. My problem is that in Islam a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man – any marriage which takes place is invalid.  My boyfriend is Christian and 100% sure he does not want to convert. I fully respect his decision, but it means that we could only marry legally and not religiously. This is bugging me, as I strongly feel I would like a religious wedding blessed by God – or at least the God I understand there to be. I feel like a fanatic for having these thoughts, as I don’t do anything that a Muslim woman is expected to do. Should I ignore my conscience and marry him legally, or is this a sign to break up?

Mariella replies I wonder if it’s conscience or your sub-conscious that’s at play here. Either way, you may be asking the wrong person. If I was apathetic about religion when I was younger, I’m fast becoming radicalised against it. I never felt stirrings of faith – apart from when faced with natural wonders such as the multilayered celestial splendour of a night sky, my newborn babies, an epic coastline – so I embraced tolerance and tried to remain open to the multitude of organised belief systems I don’t share.

The dilemma I’m confused about my sexuality. I’ve always fallen in love with men and feel emotionally and romantically attracted to them. I always thought I was straight, although at 36 I’ve never actually been in a sexual relationship. I’m not physically attracted to men, but I do feel aroused by women’s bodies. Have you heard of this before? I want to be in a relationship, but which gender?

Mariella replies Aren’t you the lucky one. So much choice at your fingertips! I’ve certainly heard of this one before, and it’s a conundrum that many encounter on more than one occasion in their lives. I’m not sure there is a definitive answer. Our sexuality is far more fluid than we might like to think and it’s certainly not dependent on which physique turns us on.

The dilemma I am having a lot of problems related to my past. I was abused many times when I was five. My mother beat me all the time, and my parents were fighting. My father married twice and both my mothers lived in the same house. The other mother never beat her children, but my mum was always beating me for things I didn’t do. Now that I am 24 and very sensitive, I feel for every little word spoken about me or gesture made. I am confused about everything; I can’t make a decision. I am not confident at all, just looking at other people and trying to copy them. I cry sometimes at nights as I feel so helpless and alone. I can’t trust people. I’m scared to talk to them. I am a complete mess. Can you help me?

Mariella replies I really hope so. Some weeks it’s hard to even open my mailbox it’s so full of examples of the emotional agonies unique to our species. Between the cries for help and appeals for guidance I get lovely letters from happier or restored souls thanking me for advice or for old columns they stumbled across that helped them through difficult times. These I cherish. Correspondence like that is humbling and offers a rare opportunity to feel I’m doing something worthwhile rather than vicariously riding other people’s traumatised coattails.

A man with a short-tempered wife, about to give birth to their second child around Christmas, bemoans his lot. Mariella Frostrup rediscovers her own inner grumpy feminist

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I have a fiery and super-short-tempered wife, who loses her cool the moment something doesn’t work the way she wanted. Sometimes she blurts out really nasty things which I fear is beginning to push me away. Sometimes she unleashes her anger at our two-year-old son. But I love her very much and I want to provide and give her a happy life because, when calm, she is an amazing person to be around and we are excited to be expecting a daughter this month. I really don’t know how to approach or calm her down without aggravating her, so I just find myself distancing away from her to give her space, which does work sometimes, but even that at times annoys her because she thinks I am sulking when I stay away and say nothing to her.She is a good person at heart, but I really want to be able to remove the ridiculously short-tempered side of her.

Mariella replies Surgically perhaps? It’s so inconvenient when the love of one’s life turns out to be human after all. It may be that you’ve just written to me on a bad week, but watching the women around me slowly unravel as we approach the “festivities” has definitely aroused the grumpy feminist within. I try to keep it under lock and key.

A 16-year-old girl feels her skin condition is ruining her life. Mariella Frostrup says she needs to face her fears, open up to others and learn to accept her flaws

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma I read your column about a 16-year-old suffering from depression and I’m stuck in a dilemma myself. I’m 16 and I have lots of friends. I’m suffering from a skin condition – it’s not BAD, but sometimes I wish I could live a “normal” life like my friends and family. That I could have my first real boyfriend, go out with my friends or even just go to the park when it’s raining so I can enjoy the wet weather. I keep forgetting to tell myself that I can’t enjoy these things because there’s not one day I can step out of home and not cover my skin with jackets or even wear dresses. I’m afraid of ending up lonely for ever. It would be nice to spend time with someone who knows what I’m going through and not run away. I have more friends now than I ever have before, but they don’t know about it because I’m afraid it will ruin everything. How can I enjoy life knowing that I’ll never be classified as “normal” because of my skin condition and not be depressed about it when I wake up in the morning or hang out at school with my friends?

Mariella replies Who’s normal? That’s the first question you need to ask yourself. There’s a brilliant autobiography by Jeanette Winterson called Why be Happy When You Could Be Normal? The title is a quote from her mother, instructing her as a young girl on what her priorities should be.

A woman who has just returned to work after having children fancies her colleague. Mariella Frostrup tells her to get on with it or get over it – but hang on to the job

The dilemma Just over a year ago I re-entered the workforce after several years looking after my three young children. My current position came about through a lucky reunion with a former mentor and I now enjoy a fulfilling career with opportunities that would not ordinarily be offered to someone of my experience. The problem is that I work closely with someone I have developed an enormous crush on. I do not want to be involved with this person, as I am in a committed relationship with my partner. Despite this, I find myself distracted and overwhelmed by the attraction to my colleague. I have tried to retain perspective – I even told both my partner and my colleague how I feel, knowing that nothing would happen and hoping that the humiliation would be enough to drive my feelings away. But I still find myself agitated at work, enough to consider giving up my job – a job I love and feel fortunate to have. Should I wait it out and trust that this will resolve itself with time (this has been going on for a year already), or should I look for another job elsewhere, even if that means leaving my ideal boss and career path?

Mariella replies Don’t be silly. A good job is hard to find, while an attractive colleague is more of a treat than a hardship. If you really can’t escape your lust-fuelled fantasies you may need to seek alternative employment, but I’d urge you to make that a last resort. Instead, how about getting to grips with your libido rather than your workmate?

A 33-year-old woman has a wonderful job but worries she has missed her chance to meet someone. Mariella Frostrup says writing down her hopes and dreams will help

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

The dilemma After years of doing jobs I hated, I finally got my dream job working outside somewhere beautiful. I am 33 and have always been independent, into music, travel and lots of hobbies. Relationships were never my priority, especially as my parents had a very unhappy marriage. The trouble is that I now live in the back of beyond, where there isn’t much of a social scene, and I am worried I have missed the boat with regards to meeting someone. I have tried internet dating and there is nobody on there I am attracted to.

Mariella replies Isn’t that just typical? You finally find a dream job, but rather than take a moment to savour that success you’re already looking for the next box to tick on the list of your heart’s desires. Few of us celebrate good fortune – no sooner do we get what we want than we budge our parameters that bit further so we can revert to our more familiar sense of dissatisfaction. This questing spirit has its advantages, earning us top-dog status among Earth’s species, but it’s also made us the unhappiest; we’re even prepared to take our own lives – a choice few other creatures would opt for.