A mother who threw her aggressive teenage daughter out of the house is devastated. Mariella Frostrup says, despite the bluster, her daughter needs her more than ever.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk
The dilemmaMy 16-year-old daughter has gone to live with my mum. We have always had a difficult relationship, but recently the arguments have become more vicious and violent. I really don't know how we can resolve the last one. I live with my partner of 15 years and our two other children. I am devastated by the situation. My middle child has health problems including growth hormone deficiency and dyspraxia. The most recent episode started with my eldest daughter calling her a "retarded cunt". I completely lost it and threw her out of the house. She stayed at a friend's house that first night and I took her to my mum's the next day. As I was leaving she said she hopes the children get taken into care. Otherwise, we have a happy home and I don't know what to do.
Mariella replies Thanks for writing. Looking at comments following my weekly column, it's clear some people think I've set myself up as a qualified expert, dishing out orders to the meek and feeble. Nothing could be further from the truth. The dynamic you've put on the table is one of the hardest to resolve and so emotionally complex that I must reconfirm that I am as human, flawed and prone to mistakes as the rest of my species. Nobody is compelled to write and my advice is meant to precipitate a discussion, not be prescriptive.
So let's talk. The often fractious relationship between mothers and daughters is a regular source of woe, and if I had a snap solution I'd be on a world tour dispensing my wisdom for the global benefit of mankind. Instead, I'm holed up at home, desperately hoping my daughter and I, also often at loggerheads, won't go on to repeat the tragedy of my own dysfunctional past in this area.
Your situation is exacerbated by the fact that your girl feels out on a limb and may have nursed her grievances secretly since, at a year old, her first half-sibling arrived. You don't mention her biological father and I wonder if they have any relationship. If so, now is the time to call him up for parental duty.
Judging by your description your daughter feels isolated and angry, and sentences like "we have a happy home" which sets her outside that unit are not helpful. Your middle child needs extra care, but that doesn't make it any easier for the child who feels shortchanged. It will certainly be a factor in your eldest's sense of injustice.
We imagine it's in their early years that children need maximum care, but as mine grow up it's becoming clear that the real challenges begin when the hormones start raging and, vulnerable as baby turtles trying to make it to the sea, they head towards independence. This stage usually coincides with a period when they are at their most aggressive, mean-spirited, myopic and downright unpleasant.
Having left home at 16, I know how bloody minded a precocious and damaged teenager can be, but also how much of the bluster and rage is really a desperate cry for help. I suggest you take this respite, while your girl is at your mum's, to organise a third party to help you negotiate and mend your relationship. Any other adult she trusts, whether godparent, friend or relation, could help or, better still, perhaps your GP can recommend a counsellor?
Much as you feel the aggrieved party there's likely to be an avalanche of historical baggage contributing to her behaviour. Taking the time to throw aside preconceptions and judgments to talk your way through the past will pay you both huge dividends in the future. No child wants to be set adrift by their parents, but many end up estranged as they struggle to articulate their feelings making sympathy hard to muster.
Possibly you and your partner have done everything right, though that would mark you out as unique. More likely misunderstandings and miscommunication over the years have led to the impasse you now face. The going will be tough but, despite appearances, right now your girl needs you more than ever. Try to rise to the challenge of keeping communication ongoing and open. What's left to fester will shadow your relationship forever.
Email Mariella at mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1