A mother who had her sons adopted wonders whether to keep contacting the one who now refuses to talk to her. Mariella Frostrup says yes – but not to justify her decision
The dilemmaI gave up my twin sons for open adoption when they were four, thinking I was giving them a really good future with a well-to-do couple. I am prone to depression and after an emotionally abusive childhood did not know if I had it in me to give them a happy life. It was a wrench, but they DID turn out so well it could almost have been worth it. One of them is in contact, but it's not a close relationship, maybe because I don't know how to be close, though I think of him incessantly. We meet for birthdays, Christmas, exchange texts and so on. The other has refused contact with me since he was 16. I have news of him through his twin and know he is happy and doing well, but despite letters and emails explaining why I had them adopted (it was an open adoption so I could see them, even once a week sometimes) he refuses even to take a call. I still send him a birthday and Christmas card. Should I let it be and leave him in peace or keep sending the cards? Ironically he was the one I think who loved me most when he was young.
Mariella replies What a painful choice you made. It's one almost everyone will have an opinion on, but no one can fully understand unless they were in your shoes at the time. In some circumstances the greatest sacrifice and bravest choice a parent can make is to acknowledge their inability to care properly for their children.
The trouble is that's seldom how the kids in question see it. From the outside it's easy enough to see flaws in your decision and I daresay that's the view your estranged son has chosen. Naturally, this deeper sense of abandonment is writ large in the child who needed you most. For him the complicated choice you made is incomprehensible and his way of coping (and perhaps punishing you) is to banish you from his life.
I suspect that the last thing he wants to hear from you is continuing protestations of innocence because that's just a further abdication of responsibility in his eyes. He may never change his position, but if you were to stop defending your position and make your contact with him unconditional, he might slowly come round. An ability to empathise with what feels in childhood like rejection arrives with maturity and hands-on experience of life's emotional challenges.
Early adulthood is marked by a conviction that we know everything and a sense of outrage that others fail our self-righteous standards. You've said your piece and explained your reasons; repetition won't improve the credibility of your story. Seeking absolution from a young man who feels his most important formative relationship was wrenched from him is far less important than convincing him that your love for him is overwhelming and constant. The more you tell him you had no choice the more he'll fight back with his only weapon, scepticism about your version of his life story.
The background you describe, coupled with your mental illness, suggests you made the right choice for you, but it doesn't mean that others, including your sons, will see it that way. Giving up your children when you are alive and well and living close by is a decision that attracts judgment from all directions. I daresay your son sees terms like "open adoption" as semantics – in his mind he wanted his mum and you weren't there. I'd continue the cards and attempts at contact; not in search of forgiveness, but to remind him you'll never stop loving him.
Meanwhile focus your attention on improving the relationship you have with his brother. Shrugging your shoulders and saying you are not capable of being close isn't good enough. Our ability to change doesn't end until we take our last breath. The closer you make your relationship with one boy the likelier the other is to be compelled toward you.
To ensure clarity of purpose decide what's motivating you – a desire to build something better out of the legacy of the past or to feel better about the choice you made. My guess is that if you opt for the former, all three of you will find it worth investing in.
Email Mariella at mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1