A young woman keeps sleeping with a man who is only interested in no-strings sex. Mariella Frostrup says she has to realise that she is in control
The dilemma I am a 28-year-old woman. For six months I have been involved in a sexual relationship with a man who does not value me. He is in the same social circles, so I see him frequently, and we only ever go home together when we're out and have been drinking until the early hours with the wider group. Before I slept with him, he was much more interested, attentive. He'd be in touch. Now we are never in touch until I see him out and then find myself in bed with him later that night. I have told him repeatedly I don't want to do it any more. I fancy him and want there to be an opportunity for something to develop. But he has said he does not feel the same way. I want to move on from this, but why do I keep putting myself back in this situation with him and expecting a different result? To make matters worse, he's not particularly nice to me and takes great joy in telling people that he has slept with me, which really offends me. What can I do to put an end to this? I will still see him in a social setting and don't want to excise myself from my other friends.
Mariella replies My theory is that if you carry on as you are you stand a far greater danger of losing your place in that crowd than if you cease and desist. Already, if they really are friends, they must be wondering what on earth you are up to.
To my recollection, zooming back through the decades, slipping into bed with someone when you've had too much to drink and lost the capacity to make a considered choice is easily done. It's more of a challenge to continue repeating your actions for half a year without accepting your culpability. There are people out there, many of whom find their way into my mailbox as soon as there's a whiff of perceived prudery on my part, who say they are looking for sex without strings. Curiously enough, unless it's been late at night with mind-altering beverages involved, I've yet to meet one in the flesh.
My experience is that there are far more of us hoping for meaningful engagement with a fellow human that isn't just a naked version of what they do in the gym. People pay lip service to no-strings sex until the person appears with whom strings are infinitely more appealing. What you're getting at the moment is the opposite of what you want. So why do you keep returning to a scenario that, although supposedly about pleasure, offers you so little of it?
You've told me plenty about your so-called "relationship" with this man but little about yourself. We both know that while he's complicit in your ongoing tryst it's not really his problem, is it? He lacks charm and finesse, I agree, if your description is anything to go by, but at least he's honest. He appears to have been pretty clear about where you and he stand in terms of any further, or indeed any, commitment.
You emphasise that you've "told him repeatedly" that you don't want to do it any more, as though it's then up to him to make sure you live up to your promise. It's a good example of how blind we are to our complicity in rogue romances, protesting powerlessness in scenarios where we actually have the potential to be masters of our emotional destiny.
We all need to put the same time and energy that we invest in our outward appearances to getting to grips with our psyches. There is much chatter these days about the practice of mindfulness, a rather irritating term for an updated version of meditation, simply explored for the layperson by Ruby Wax in her new book Sane New World. For all the blather that goes on about empowerment, the truth is that only once we get a grip on the havoc that goes on between our ears do we stand a chance in hell of living well.
Look at you, out there practising emotional self-harm on a regular basis and seemingly oblivious to the fact that the tools to stop the pain are in your grasp. Perhaps rather than telling this man what you should be doing you'd be better off being a little firmer with yourself. If alcohol is the deciding factor then a good start would be a night out without it.
It's a basic human impulse to snuggle up with a fellow creature and feel we're not alone, but turning occasional vulnerability into a habit is a different matter. I empathise with your situation but not with your determination to avoid taking responsibility for your actions. When you wake up feeling likewise your reality will change for the better.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to guardian.co.uk/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1