This controlling behaviour needs to be addressed – unless you’re a terrible driver, says Mariella Frostrup
The dilemma My husband won’t allow me to drive the car when he’s in it. I used to accept this, but for the past four months I’ve challenged it. Now that we have a son, I don’t want him growing up thinking Daddy is in charge. When I first raised this, I casually said I’d drive us home from a day out and didn’t think it’d be a big deal, but it was. He threw the keys at me and had a face like thunder. Another time, I was going into town and he wanted to come, too, but expected me to get out of the driving seat I was already in. I refused, he was mad and stayed at home. This made me realise it wasn’t acceptable. For ages I’ve avoided situations when we might travel together, but when we do, he blows up. I do think about complying and going back to being a passive passenger, but I don’t think I can. He must have some sort of anxiety about being driven by a woman, but he won’t engage with me about it. I’ve discussed it with friends and family, and they agree it’s ridiculous and I should challenge it, but it’d end up ripping us apart.
Mariella replies How 1950s! Even as a metaphor for needing to be the one “in control” it’s pretty transparent stuff. If you were writing to me as you embarked on retirement, I’d be slightly less surprised, but you mention having recently had a baby, which puts you in an age range where such stereotypical appropriation of roles really should no longer be applicable. The first question you need to be asking is whether this man is mentally abusing you. The behaviour you describe could certainly be judged an extreme form of bullying. You don’t say if the dynamic around the car is a one-off or indicative of the day-to-day control he is exerting. If so, who takes the wheel is the least of your problems and you need to be considering extricating yourself and your son.
Stand your ground in a calm, faintly amused way…
Continue reading...