A 23-year-old man fears for his future with his French girlfriend: he loves her but she doesn’t seem so sure. Mariella Frostrup says it might be time to say adieu
The dilemma My girlfriend doesn’t want me. I met her in France and when I left we made plans for the future, but despite my efforts a life together doesn’t seem hopeful. I’ve Skyped her a few times recently and we ended saying: “I love you.” I sent her a letter about how I want her here for Christmas. She said she’d apply for jobs in the Boston area, and I’ve been helping her. Yet I believe she only said this (and other things) in the moment, to appease me and continue on with something else. She just keeps taking her distance, pulling back. I know her dad is her chief adviser, and she said that: “He is against me.” She’s 26 and I’m 23 – I’m aware of the age gap. I feel strongly for her and there are some things about her I wish were different. I feel there are more compatible women for me out there. Yet this woman, the French one, I am really having difficulty letting go of, and I wonder why we aren’t together, and why she doesn’t feel the same way about me. Despite the I love you’s at the end of our Skype calls, when she writes to me it’s cold, logical, friend-like but not loving. A while ago her friend said that it’s best that I just forget about her.
Mariella replies She may have a point! Chasing down impossible dreams is a condition that’s at its worst in youth and one that I definitely don’t envy. I’m struggling to see indications that this is a relationship worth pursuing. There’s little substance here to grasp. Even now, while your pining is at its most intense, you say that there are obvious incompatibilities. So why are you allowing her to inhabit your romantic imagination to such an extent?
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